Jan. 23 Dear Matthew

Dearest Matthew,

Why do you torment me so? I have set my mind to moving on, and yet, there you are, every moment I turn around, I see you. You will not dare to raise your eyes to look upon me, but do you think I am a fool? Do you think I cannot feel your eyes boring into my back the moment I turn from you? I feel them, like talons, ripping at my heart, preventing me from thinking and feeling anything else. I feel like a frightened mouse running from a starving cat, and yet, I cannot find an escape, no matter how many corners I turn or how many walls I struggle over.  I have tried to change my every habit and schedule, purposely to avoid you and prevent this agony I feel the moment I lay my eyes upon you. My young, ignorant heart wants me to believe it is because you love me still. But if you truly loved me, you would not have cast me away and continue to torment me as such.

Are you some demon sent to torment me for my sins? What have I done that was so vile as to deserve this? I see women fall in and out of love on a daily basis, proclaiming they could never love another, and yet all it takes is a pretty face, or even a simple smile from a man, and their heart chases after their new prey, forgetting the previous ever existed. Why cannot I be so flighty with a heart so easily repaired? I could be surrounded by men, but see none, for the vision of you is so permanently etched in my mind there simply is no erasing it. Instead of seeing potential, I see how they pale in your comparison. Yet you treat me so cruelly. I am but a stranger to you now that does not even warrant a gentle smile of recognition.

Many months have passed since we have last spoken and I can only take that to mean that you no longer care to know what is taking place in my life. Of all the many things I desperately miss about you, that is perhaps the most painful. You were not only my love, but you were my most trusted confidant. I have no one I can trust and speak openly with.  My life is full of disclosures and putting on airs to please my father. No one I speak to cares to know my heart or my desires. I cannot trust them if they did care so much, for they are doing the same as I. They only care about pleasing my father. I am nothing more than my father's pet that must be tolerated and appeased in order to receive my father's ear. I am sure the moment they walk out the door they brush me off like annoying pet fur clinging to their clothes.

I do not know why I am even bothering to write this. Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire that you will come and rescue me from this prison of adulthood and duties that I must now endure for the rest of my life. It is not my desire to return to childhood, I simply do not want to endure the life of suppression and incessant appeasement that I now have found myself in. I long for companionship in which is built upon from truth and real love. Perhaps it is all a fantasy.  I once thought that of our relationship, and apparently I was imagining that as well.

Be that as it may, I felt that you should know that my father is now actively seeking the man who he feels worthy to be my husband. I am certain I will have no say in the matter because the man must first be adequately suitable to take the position in my father's company he is now preparing for. All those years of rearing me up to understand the way of the company are no longer valid. Apparently, we have overcome one of my father's fears and have survived long enough for a worthy man to take my father's place when he chooses to step aside. It is now my duty to learn how to be a proper woman. I am to learn all the things I should have been taught by my mother, the things my father admittedly says he is ignorant of. But I am not so much a fool as to know it is his way of pushing me away from his meetings and the plans he is formulating for my future.

Well my dear, my tormentor, I cannot say if knowing you was a blessing or curse upon my life. There are moments when I wish I could truly forget ever knowing you, and perhaps I wouldn't lament over a life I was never meant to partake of. I wouldn't see my life now as nothing more than a pallid shadow of what I had hoped and dreamed of having with you. I know many young ladies dream of living a life full of wealth and comfort, but what they do not realize, is that for everything you are given in life, a sacrifice is required. The more you have on the outside, the less there is inside. Perhaps my heart will eventually run cold and lifeless as is required of me. There are days when I think it has happened, then one sight of you sets my heart aflame. My love and my torment, my longing and my forbade. Please say it isn't the same for you and this will eventually fade away. Please say that your heart no longer reaches for me so that I can have a new hope to strive towards.

Serenity

Oct. 23 Dearest Serenity

My, and I thought I was the only one guilty of portraying myself falsely.  Perhaps my eyes have been clouded over more than I imagined.  Where have you hidden this vixen all this time?  I thought you were a young innocent lady that I was in danger of corrupting, but perhaps I was wrong.  I have to say, this new version of you is very intriguing.

Never the less my love, we are from two different sides of the spectrum of society in which are never meant to mingle. You are from wealth and status; high society. I am of the working class; humble and beneath your standards. Your father will never allow us to wed. He would have my head on a spike before he allowed me to take your hand from him.

My dear, I know your father well. He has employed my brother on several occasions for matters in which I will not speak of. I only tell you this because I want you to understand that your father knows my family more than he has conveyed to you. In fact, he keeps our family in check by keeping our association with him from common knowledge. The tasks that he pays my family quite generously for could very easily destroy us if we were ever to anger him in any way.

When I asked you to marry me I was foolish thinking we could run away from everything. I thought I could turn my back on my family and you yours. But as I said, it is foolish. We would only spend the rest of our lives running only to be caught and heaven forbid what would be done to us. For this very reason, I must beg you to stop our correspondence. I would much rather you live the life of innocence I still know you to possess than to be bogged down in the vile underground your father has protected you from.

Fear not my love, there is not a star in the sky that does not spark a memory of our time together and I will never forget you. But now we must move on.

Matthew

Oct. 19 Dear Matthew

How dare you!  Do you honestly believe that my feelings are nothing more than random whims dependent upon on the winds of change?  Do you think that all you need to do is whisper a contradictory thought and it would create ripples of doubt and uncertainty until I can no longer care for you?  I am no fickle child with flighty ambitions that alter with the slightest sparkle of distraction.  I may only be seventeen years of age but I am no fool.  In fact, if I remember correctly, that was one of the things you enjoyed about me enough to mention it quite often.  You said I was mature beyond my years so now why are you treating me as an ignorant child you can tease and distract until I move away to another direction?

Perhaps my maturity comes from living motherless these past ten years but I am not naive of a man's manipulative ways when it comes to coddling and placating a woman into doing whatever the man desires.  My father, the good man that you have claimed him to be, is the king of manipulation.  I have listened to far too many of his drunken rants and so called "client dinners' that are nothing more than sessions of vipers trying to outwit the other.  My father sees everything as a business venture and I am now his greatest asset to tempt his latest round of vipers with.  I have never spoken of these things with you because when I am with you I want forget it all and simply be with you, the man that loves me for me, not for the bargaining chip I could potentially be for the next big investor.

My father, perhaps a visionary that is a little unconventional,  has raised me to take charge of the business if something where to happen to him before I am wed.  Do not think for one moment that I am looking for a man to replace my fathers as a means to care for me.  I can take care of myself and this despicable business of my fathers.

Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I do not know you.  The man I thought you to be loved me and would fight for me, not bow down and cower at the first sign of adversity.  If our love was nothing more than a fantasy to you than perhaps I am a fool.  I long thought myself capable of seeing beyond the facade that men hide behind to prevent their true weaknesses from being revealed. It is a skill my father has spent these many years teaching me.  I suppose I have not mastered it as I believed and my father was able to see the things my love for you blinded me from.  I thought you to be my champion when you have proven to be nothing more than a dreamer that must now face reality and it is time to cast me away.

So I suppose I must thank you now for your kind lesson in the nature of love.  It is fickle and only meaningful when the fancy strikes and must be cast away when duties of life call.  For that I could never forget you. For to forget you would be to forget this valuable lesson and I will not allow my heart to endure such foolishness again.  You have put me in my place.   You have reminded me that I am nothing but a senseless woman that must look to my duties rather than my heart.  I only hope that in some way I have proven to be as useful to you as you have been to me.  Perhaps during some night you will look up to the stars and they will strike a memory of the many nights we have sat together beneath them and you will think of me as more than a senseless fool.

Serenity

Oct. 16 Dear Serenity

I'm sorry my dear but I believe it is you that must remove the veil of perception from your eyes. Your father has always been right about me. You see, I have played the role of two men for too long. Unfortunately, the man you thought you knew was nothing more than a fantasy and it is time we both must face reality. I will not make apologies for who I am. Though in your father's perception I may be nothing more than a lowly merchant that haggles my way through life, it is what I was born to be. I do not possess the skills, knowledge, nor the will to take over for your father and carry on your family legacy. My dream for us never included your family in any sort and for that I have been extremely selfish. Rather it has always been to sweep you away to some far away land where we begin our life together anew. I fooled myself into believing it was what you wanted as well. But it isn't possible for you nor for me. We cannot run away from who we are. We are two people, set upon different paths, never meant to be united. Our paths nevertheless crossed and you stole my sight from me and transported me into a land filled with fantasy in which I will never forget. But life is calling us back and it is time to move on.

Forget about me. Go and live life to the fullest and enjoy your youth while you have it. It only lasts for so long before the burdens of life begin to wear down on you. It will not be long you too will find yourself in the same position as your father and having to make these very same decisions for your child. Your father loves you and is only doing what is best for you. Do not hold that against him. He is a wise man that I respect and even more so because he loves you enough to see you happy. In that regard, I feel the same. Now please, allow this to be our last correspondence. I do not want to cause you any more pain.

Matthew

Oct. 14 Dear Matthew

What has happened to you? I dare not believe these words are written by the hand of the man I know and love. You are the goodness that has carried me through life. The simple joy of knowing I would soon see you has long been my only encouragement to face each day. You are my best friend. You are my confidant. You are my love. You are everything that is good within me. How you dare you say such things about yourself?  You are not your brother nor do you need to carry the burdens your father has placed upon your shoulders. You are a strong, beautiful man that holds the power of your own destiny. It is you that has told me this of myself.  If it is not true for you then how can I believe it for myself?

There has not been a moment pass that I have not lamented over the words that poured out of my mouth when everything in my being was screaming to say yes to you.There has long been a wall that has stood between us that I have yet to find the way of overcoming. My father still chooses to see you as the boy raised in a family that he perceives to be unworthy of me. I have been your champion from the moment of our first acquaintance adamantly proclaiming your every good and outstanding quality to change his perception of you. I have witnessed the change occurring in his eyes slowly, day by day, but I have not had enough time to remove the veil from his eyes completely as you have said. That was my first thought and I carelessly allowed that thought to rule over the words I spoke when I should have explained to you the reason why I cannot accept your proposal just yet. It is not me that does not want you or see you as unworthy, it is the injustice of this world that my father chooses to prescribe to that I must battle against and win before he will allow me to marry you.

I do not want to become a slave to this world. I want to have that freedom that you said was waiting for the both of us. But I am not foolish enough to believe that freedom does not come with a cost. The man I marry, that receives my father's approval, will be a man that marries not only into my family's wealth, but also the family legacy because I am my father's only child to carry it on. It would be foolish for us both to throw away everything our future has in store for us only to live as vagabonds trying to survive in this cruel world. All is not lost my love if you will only hold to your patience and give me the time necessary to prove to my father the man you truly are. Please forgive me for my rash carelessness and know that my love for you is more than I could ever express in any manner that would give it justice.

Please my love, do not give up on me.

Forever yours,
Serenity

Oct 11 Dear Serenity

I just received your letters. It is with a heavy heart that I must write this because I do not wish to cause you pain but I'm afraid you have misjudged my actions. I want more than anything to write and tell you that my leaving London was an honorable act to spare you of the discomfort of my presence. Unfortunately, my honor does not rise to the occasion in this matter.  I left to spare my own self of the discomfort of your presence.  You see I allowed myself to believe I was a man of respectability that was worthy of your hand.  As long as you held me in your eyes, I believed I could be anything you wanted me to be.  You were the treasure at the end of my rainbow and I was willing to bask in your colors muting out the despicable colors of my true being. My dear, everyone was right.  We are two different spirits that have been floating together in perdition oblivious to our conflicting destinations.  I have long coveted your purity that shines like the white glistening feathers in an angels wings, while I have tried to hide my own that are black and soiled.  If there is anything commendable that has resulted in your rejection of me, it is that you have finally pulled the veil from my eyes revealing the truth that can no longer be denied.  Although my intentions were never to be anything but completely honest and forthright, my shame overpowered my conscience and led me to portray myself as a man to you that I am most certainly not.  I fooled us both my love because even I wanted to believe I was that man.  Perhaps deep down into depths of my being there is a bit of goodness that exists that only someone as beautiful and pure as yourself can pull out.  But the moment you are gone, that little light fades quickly away. As despicable of a being as I am, I will not allow myself to soil your goodness.  You must forget about me and find a man that can not only equate to your goodness but will honor you as you deserve every day of your life.  I wish that all of your dreams come true and that your heart never know the sadness that I have brought onto you again.

Matthew

Oct 9 Dearest Matthew

I just arrived in London with my heart full of joy.  All I could think of was seeing your face again.  Nothing seemed to move fast enough.  I wanted to run to Aunt Roses instead of sitting in the car waiting for traffic to relinquish it's intolerable crawl.  I nearly burst through her front door all too eager to get the greeting over with so I could begin my search for you, only to have my hopes and dreams bashed in the form of a simple letter from you.

Oh my love, why have you run from me?  I do not care what was written in that letter.  If it was written by your hand then I know that you are feeling the anguish that I feel.  If only I had known where to send my letters to then you would have known how much I regret my rejection.  I regretted it the moment the words slipped past my tongue.  Oh if only I could go back in time and rush to your arms and tell you a million times yes for it is what I desperately want to do now.

My only solace is that I now know you have returned home and I can now send you my letters.  I cannot leave London now.  I have only just arrived and to leave would insult my poor aunt and my father would be furious.  So I will remain here and pray that you will return to London and rescue me from this agony.  I love you.  I need you like the rose needs the sun. Without you I feel like a flower wilting in the cold darkness.  Come back to me love.

Forever yours,
Serenity