Sept. 24 Dear Serentiy

If only your name could accurately describe what I feel every time my thoughts drift to you.  You have consumed my life for so long the mere whisper of a thought of you cause such a fierce rage that I long to be through with you forever.  I was so certain of your reciprocation of my love that I threw myself upon your mercy like a begging dog only for you to cast me away as if I meant nothing to you.  You proclaimed your love for me so purely for so many years I had no reason to consider the thought of the possibility of your rejection.  Now I know what a fool I have been.  I succumbed to your beguiles, breathing them in as if they were the very life blood flowing through my veins.  My every thought of the future was never my own, but ours, living united, together as one, for all eternity. There has rarely been a night since I first laid eyes upon you those many years ago that you have not held a prominent place in my dreams.  My eyes could never behold another lady's without the vision of your face blinding me to all others.

I feel as if you have bewitched me, as if you have stolen my soul and have left me empty and cold.  I came to London in the desperate search to find another that could make me forget about you.  No matter how beautiful and charming the women are, no matter how desirous their touch feels, they are nothing comparable to you. I fear I am a ruined man.  No amount of drink can drown you away.  Nothing I do can elicit the feelings inside of me the way just the memory of you still does.  I hate you and yet, I love.  I want you like a man dying of thirst wants water.  I do not trust myself anymore.  I am no longer in control of my being, I don't know if I ever was.

What have you done to me?  Will I ever be whole again?  I fear what I will do if I were to return home.  Life has lost all reason and if I were to see you again, I may just lose myself entirely and I cannot bear the thought of harming you.  Why does my love for you still grow while when you obviously have no feelings for me.  If I could only know why you rejected me perhaps it would give me some form relief from the wild imaginings of my mind that nearly drive me mad every night.

I may never know the answers to my questions.  Until I can once again gain control myself, I will remain as far away from you as I possibly can.

Setp. 21 My Dearest Matthew

It has been a been a fortnight since I last laid my eyes upon you. The sound of your voice softly whispering in my ear still lingers as if the words are but gently fingers caressing my heart, preventing it from succumbing to the painful memory of seeing you walking away.  To this day I do not know why I did not go after you.  All reason, all comprehension of what caused me to reject you disappeared as quickly as your body was enveloped by that dense early morning haze.

It was as if you disappeared from me forever.  The coldness that is left in your wake chills me to the bone.  I am left now with feeling empty as if a part of my soul belonged to you and I will never be whole again.  Why did I not understand the depth in which my love for you reached within me?  Why did I not know that you were the rock in which I stood upon?  I feel as if I have lost all footing on this earth and left with no reason to remain yet the good Lord finds no reason to take me and end this misery.  I am nothing more than a wandering soul with nothing but regrets to plague me.

I cannot release your memory from my mind nor my heart.  I long for your strong arms to once again envelope me and give me the security I once took for granted.  I long to look deep into your eyes and see the love I cast away as if it was nothing more than a scrap of bread cast out to the birds. I long to hear my name cross your lips and flow into me as if it was the very breath of life.  Without that sound, I feel as if I can no longer breathe.

Word came to me just yesterday that you were spotted in London in the company of another lady.  Her beauty was well discussed in front of me as if I was not even in the room.  The more the details of her fine features were proclaimed the more I felt as if my heart was being clinched into in a vise until I could take no more and left the room only to find no escape because everywhere I turned your ghost was there flooding me with memories until I thought I would surely die.  Alas, death did not come.  But the pain remains.

I pray every night that I will wake up to the sounds of your feet walking the path to our front door.   I remain alerted to every sound of someone approaching just waiting for the chance to fall into your arms once more and tell you that I was wrong and that I love you and I will love your for as long as my heart will beat.  I desperately want to fall to your feet and plead for you forgiveness.  I would give my everything to have just one chance to make you mine again and hear you profess the depths of your love for me once again.

I will never give up hope until the day I can look upon your face.  I will dream of you night and day with the hope that my soul will whisper my longings to you.  I will love you more and more until that love grows so strong it spans across the space of separation and pulls you back to me.  I will turn the part of my soul that you carried away into a messenger relaying my longings for you until your dreams are filled with longings of me.  Then I will become the breath of life in which you desperately need just as you are to me.  You will be starved for my very essence and when we meet again, we will both be filled with so much passion that it will carry us together into the very everlasting.

Until that day my love, I will embrace your ghost as a testament to our love because I know that it too is a part of your soul that clings to me as mine to you.