Oct. 23 Dearest Serenity

My, and I thought I was the only one guilty of portraying myself falsely.  Perhaps my eyes have been clouded over more than I imagined.  Where have you hidden this vixen all this time?  I thought you were a young innocent lady that I was in danger of corrupting, but perhaps I was wrong.  I have to say, this new version of you is very intriguing.

Never the less my love, we are from two different sides of the spectrum of society in which are never meant to mingle. You are from wealth and status; high society. I am of the working class; humble and beneath your standards. Your father will never allow us to wed. He would have my head on a spike before he allowed me to take your hand from him.

My dear, I know your father well. He has employed my brother on several occasions for matters in which I will not speak of. I only tell you this because I want you to understand that your father knows my family more than he has conveyed to you. In fact, he keeps our family in check by keeping our association with him from common knowledge. The tasks that he pays my family quite generously for could very easily destroy us if we were ever to anger him in any way.

When I asked you to marry me I was foolish thinking we could run away from everything. I thought I could turn my back on my family and you yours. But as I said, it is foolish. We would only spend the rest of our lives running only to be caught and heaven forbid what would be done to us. For this very reason, I must beg you to stop our correspondence. I would much rather you live the life of innocence I still know you to possess than to be bogged down in the vile underground your father has protected you from.

Fear not my love, there is not a star in the sky that does not spark a memory of our time together and I will never forget you. But now we must move on.

Matthew

Oct. 19 Dear Matthew

How dare you!  Do you honestly believe that my feelings are nothing more than random whims dependent upon on the winds of change?  Do you think that all you need to do is whisper a contradictory thought and it would create ripples of doubt and uncertainty until I can no longer care for you?  I am no fickle child with flighty ambitions that alter with the slightest sparkle of distraction.  I may only be seventeen years of age but I am no fool.  In fact, if I remember correctly, that was one of the things you enjoyed about me enough to mention it quite often.  You said I was mature beyond my years so now why are you treating me as an ignorant child you can tease and distract until I move away to another direction?

Perhaps my maturity comes from living motherless these past ten years but I am not naive of a man's manipulative ways when it comes to coddling and placating a woman into doing whatever the man desires.  My father, the good man that you have claimed him to be, is the king of manipulation.  I have listened to far too many of his drunken rants and so called "client dinners' that are nothing more than sessions of vipers trying to outwit the other.  My father sees everything as a business venture and I am now his greatest asset to tempt his latest round of vipers with.  I have never spoken of these things with you because when I am with you I want forget it all and simply be with you, the man that loves me for me, not for the bargaining chip I could potentially be for the next big investor.

My father, perhaps a visionary that is a little unconventional,  has raised me to take charge of the business if something where to happen to him before I am wed.  Do not think for one moment that I am looking for a man to replace my fathers as a means to care for me.  I can take care of myself and this despicable business of my fathers.

Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I do not know you.  The man I thought you to be loved me and would fight for me, not bow down and cower at the first sign of adversity.  If our love was nothing more than a fantasy to you than perhaps I am a fool.  I long thought myself capable of seeing beyond the facade that men hide behind to prevent their true weaknesses from being revealed. It is a skill my father has spent these many years teaching me.  I suppose I have not mastered it as I believed and my father was able to see the things my love for you blinded me from.  I thought you to be my champion when you have proven to be nothing more than a dreamer that must now face reality and it is time to cast me away.

So I suppose I must thank you now for your kind lesson in the nature of love.  It is fickle and only meaningful when the fancy strikes and must be cast away when duties of life call.  For that I could never forget you. For to forget you would be to forget this valuable lesson and I will not allow my heart to endure such foolishness again.  You have put me in my place.   You have reminded me that I am nothing but a senseless woman that must look to my duties rather than my heart.  I only hope that in some way I have proven to be as useful to you as you have been to me.  Perhaps during some night you will look up to the stars and they will strike a memory of the many nights we have sat together beneath them and you will think of me as more than a senseless fool.

Serenity

Oct. 16 Dear Serenity

I'm sorry my dear but I believe it is you that must remove the veil of perception from your eyes. Your father has always been right about me. You see, I have played the role of two men for too long. Unfortunately, the man you thought you knew was nothing more than a fantasy and it is time we both must face reality. I will not make apologies for who I am. Though in your father's perception I may be nothing more than a lowly merchant that haggles my way through life, it is what I was born to be. I do not possess the skills, knowledge, nor the will to take over for your father and carry on your family legacy. My dream for us never included your family in any sort and for that I have been extremely selfish. Rather it has always been to sweep you away to some far away land where we begin our life together anew. I fooled myself into believing it was what you wanted as well. But it isn't possible for you nor for me. We cannot run away from who we are. We are two people, set upon different paths, never meant to be united. Our paths nevertheless crossed and you stole my sight from me and transported me into a land filled with fantasy in which I will never forget. But life is calling us back and it is time to move on.

Forget about me. Go and live life to the fullest and enjoy your youth while you have it. It only lasts for so long before the burdens of life begin to wear down on you. It will not be long you too will find yourself in the same position as your father and having to make these very same decisions for your child. Your father loves you and is only doing what is best for you. Do not hold that against him. He is a wise man that I respect and even more so because he loves you enough to see you happy. In that regard, I feel the same. Now please, allow this to be our last correspondence. I do not want to cause you any more pain.

Matthew

Oct. 14 Dear Matthew

What has happened to you? I dare not believe these words are written by the hand of the man I know and love. You are the goodness that has carried me through life. The simple joy of knowing I would soon see you has long been my only encouragement to face each day. You are my best friend. You are my confidant. You are my love. You are everything that is good within me. How you dare you say such things about yourself?  You are not your brother nor do you need to carry the burdens your father has placed upon your shoulders. You are a strong, beautiful man that holds the power of your own destiny. It is you that has told me this of myself.  If it is not true for you then how can I believe it for myself?

There has not been a moment pass that I have not lamented over the words that poured out of my mouth when everything in my being was screaming to say yes to you.There has long been a wall that has stood between us that I have yet to find the way of overcoming. My father still chooses to see you as the boy raised in a family that he perceives to be unworthy of me. I have been your champion from the moment of our first acquaintance adamantly proclaiming your every good and outstanding quality to change his perception of you. I have witnessed the change occurring in his eyes slowly, day by day, but I have not had enough time to remove the veil from his eyes completely as you have said. That was my first thought and I carelessly allowed that thought to rule over the words I spoke when I should have explained to you the reason why I cannot accept your proposal just yet. It is not me that does not want you or see you as unworthy, it is the injustice of this world that my father chooses to prescribe to that I must battle against and win before he will allow me to marry you.

I do not want to become a slave to this world. I want to have that freedom that you said was waiting for the both of us. But I am not foolish enough to believe that freedom does not come with a cost. The man I marry, that receives my father's approval, will be a man that marries not only into my family's wealth, but also the family legacy because I am my father's only child to carry it on. It would be foolish for us both to throw away everything our future has in store for us only to live as vagabonds trying to survive in this cruel world. All is not lost my love if you will only hold to your patience and give me the time necessary to prove to my father the man you truly are. Please forgive me for my rash carelessness and know that my love for you is more than I could ever express in any manner that would give it justice.

Please my love, do not give up on me.

Forever yours,
Serenity

Oct 11 Dear Serenity

I just received your letters. It is with a heavy heart that I must write this because I do not wish to cause you pain but I'm afraid you have misjudged my actions. I want more than anything to write and tell you that my leaving London was an honorable act to spare you of the discomfort of my presence. Unfortunately, my honor does not rise to the occasion in this matter.  I left to spare my own self of the discomfort of your presence.  You see I allowed myself to believe I was a man of respectability that was worthy of your hand.  As long as you held me in your eyes, I believed I could be anything you wanted me to be.  You were the treasure at the end of my rainbow and I was willing to bask in your colors muting out the despicable colors of my true being. My dear, everyone was right.  We are two different spirits that have been floating together in perdition oblivious to our conflicting destinations.  I have long coveted your purity that shines like the white glistening feathers in an angels wings, while I have tried to hide my own that are black and soiled.  If there is anything commendable that has resulted in your rejection of me, it is that you have finally pulled the veil from my eyes revealing the truth that can no longer be denied.  Although my intentions were never to be anything but completely honest and forthright, my shame overpowered my conscience and led me to portray myself as a man to you that I am most certainly not.  I fooled us both my love because even I wanted to believe I was that man.  Perhaps deep down into depths of my being there is a bit of goodness that exists that only someone as beautiful and pure as yourself can pull out.  But the moment you are gone, that little light fades quickly away. As despicable of a being as I am, I will not allow myself to soil your goodness.  You must forget about me and find a man that can not only equate to your goodness but will honor you as you deserve every day of your life.  I wish that all of your dreams come true and that your heart never know the sadness that I have brought onto you again.

Matthew

Oct 9 Dearest Matthew

I just arrived in London with my heart full of joy.  All I could think of was seeing your face again.  Nothing seemed to move fast enough.  I wanted to run to Aunt Roses instead of sitting in the car waiting for traffic to relinquish it's intolerable crawl.  I nearly burst through her front door all too eager to get the greeting over with so I could begin my search for you, only to have my hopes and dreams bashed in the form of a simple letter from you.

Oh my love, why have you run from me?  I do not care what was written in that letter.  If it was written by your hand then I know that you are feeling the anguish that I feel.  If only I had known where to send my letters to then you would have known how much I regret my rejection.  I regretted it the moment the words slipped past my tongue.  Oh if only I could go back in time and rush to your arms and tell you a million times yes for it is what I desperately want to do now.

My only solace is that I now know you have returned home and I can now send you my letters.  I cannot leave London now.  I have only just arrived and to leave would insult my poor aunt and my father would be furious.  So I will remain here and pray that you will return to London and rescue me from this agony.  I love you.  I need you like the rose needs the sun. Without you I feel like a flower wilting in the cold darkness.  Come back to me love.

Forever yours,
Serenity

Oct 4 Dear Serenity

I am afraid I owe you an apology.  I learned only yesterday that my brother had stolen the letter from my room and delivered it to you.  It was never meant for you eyes.  I cannot honestly remember what I had written.  All I can say is that it was nothing more than the mad ravings of an intoxicated mind bent on relieving itself of thoughts that never should have been penned.  I ask for your forgiveness if I have in any way harmed your sensibilities or offended you.

I have heard it spoken that you will be traveling to London and arriving this Saturday.  For the sake of your honor I will be leaving.  I only wish you the best that life has to offer.  Once again, my deepest apologies for any discomfort my previous letter may have brought to you.

Matthew

Oct. 2 Dear Matthew

You're brother came to visit me today.  I was in such a shock to see him coming down the lane that my heart was certain it was you.  When I was able to discern that it was Jonathan instead, my heart nearly broke in two.  But that was only a precursor to what my heart is feeling now.  He brought me your letter.  Although I cannot be certain, I feel he is playing a trick on me.  The words that I read on the paper are not the words of my Matthew.  I simply cannot envision you being filled with such hatred.  I know that your brother has never approved of me.  You have said so yourself.  But why he would play such a heartless trick is beyond my comprehension.

I have chosen to ignore the letter until I can see you face to face and prove him to be the scoundrel others have often accused you of being.  You are not a man of hate that this letter portrays you of and I will prove I can not be duped.

I have spoken to my father and he has given me permission to visit my Aunt Rose in London.  I am thankful I have never spoken to him of what has occurred between us.  If he knew he would most likely forbid me to go.  But as such, I will be leaving this Saturday.  Aunt Rose is elderly enough that she prefers to stay home rather than take in the town.  This should offer me the freedom necessary to find you.

Until that day my love, I will remember you as I have every other night before this terrible mistake occurred. I will remember you softly whispering in my ear, telling me good night under the soft moonlight.  The sound of your voice will guide me to my slumber as I dream of you.  I will no longer recall the awful mist that took you away from me.  Instead I will reminisce of the soft gentle kisses you would leave on my cheek just before you would leave me for the night.  Good night my love.  I will see you soon.

Sept. 24 Dear Serentiy

If only your name could accurately describe what I feel every time my thoughts drift to you.  You have consumed my life for so long the mere whisper of a thought of you cause such a fierce rage that I long to be through with you forever.  I was so certain of your reciprocation of my love that I threw myself upon your mercy like a begging dog only for you to cast me away as if I meant nothing to you.  You proclaimed your love for me so purely for so many years I had no reason to consider the thought of the possibility of your rejection.  Now I know what a fool I have been.  I succumbed to your beguiles, breathing them in as if they were the very life blood flowing through my veins.  My every thought of the future was never my own, but ours, living united, together as one, for all eternity. There has rarely been a night since I first laid eyes upon you those many years ago that you have not held a prominent place in my dreams.  My eyes could never behold another lady's without the vision of your face blinding me to all others.

I feel as if you have bewitched me, as if you have stolen my soul and have left me empty and cold.  I came to London in the desperate search to find another that could make me forget about you.  No matter how beautiful and charming the women are, no matter how desirous their touch feels, they are nothing comparable to you. I fear I am a ruined man.  No amount of drink can drown you away.  Nothing I do can elicit the feelings inside of me the way just the memory of you still does.  I hate you and yet, I love.  I want you like a man dying of thirst wants water.  I do not trust myself anymore.  I am no longer in control of my being, I don't know if I ever was.

What have you done to me?  Will I ever be whole again?  I fear what I will do if I were to return home.  Life has lost all reason and if I were to see you again, I may just lose myself entirely and I cannot bear the thought of harming you.  Why does my love for you still grow while when you obviously have no feelings for me.  If I could only know why you rejected me perhaps it would give me some form relief from the wild imaginings of my mind that nearly drive me mad every night.

I may never know the answers to my questions.  Until I can once again gain control myself, I will remain as far away from you as I possibly can.

Setp. 21 My Dearest Matthew

It has been a been a fortnight since I last laid my eyes upon you. The sound of your voice softly whispering in my ear still lingers as if the words are but gently fingers caressing my heart, preventing it from succumbing to the painful memory of seeing you walking away.  To this day I do not know why I did not go after you.  All reason, all comprehension of what caused me to reject you disappeared as quickly as your body was enveloped by that dense early morning haze.

It was as if you disappeared from me forever.  The coldness that is left in your wake chills me to the bone.  I am left now with feeling empty as if a part of my soul belonged to you and I will never be whole again.  Why did I not understand the depth in which my love for you reached within me?  Why did I not know that you were the rock in which I stood upon?  I feel as if I have lost all footing on this earth and left with no reason to remain yet the good Lord finds no reason to take me and end this misery.  I am nothing more than a wandering soul with nothing but regrets to plague me.

I cannot release your memory from my mind nor my heart.  I long for your strong arms to once again envelope me and give me the security I once took for granted.  I long to look deep into your eyes and see the love I cast away as if it was nothing more than a scrap of bread cast out to the birds. I long to hear my name cross your lips and flow into me as if it was the very breath of life.  Without that sound, I feel as if I can no longer breathe.

Word came to me just yesterday that you were spotted in London in the company of another lady.  Her beauty was well discussed in front of me as if I was not even in the room.  The more the details of her fine features were proclaimed the more I felt as if my heart was being clinched into in a vise until I could take no more and left the room only to find no escape because everywhere I turned your ghost was there flooding me with memories until I thought I would surely die.  Alas, death did not come.  But the pain remains.

I pray every night that I will wake up to the sounds of your feet walking the path to our front door.   I remain alerted to every sound of someone approaching just waiting for the chance to fall into your arms once more and tell you that I was wrong and that I love you and I will love your for as long as my heart will beat.  I desperately want to fall to your feet and plead for you forgiveness.  I would give my everything to have just one chance to make you mine again and hear you profess the depths of your love for me once again.

I will never give up hope until the day I can look upon your face.  I will dream of you night and day with the hope that my soul will whisper my longings to you.  I will love you more and more until that love grows so strong it spans across the space of separation and pulls you back to me.  I will turn the part of my soul that you carried away into a messenger relaying my longings for you until your dreams are filled with longings of me.  Then I will become the breath of life in which you desperately need just as you are to me.  You will be starved for my very essence and when we meet again, we will both be filled with so much passion that it will carry us together into the very everlasting.

Until that day my love, I will embrace your ghost as a testament to our love because I know that it too is a part of your soul that clings to me as mine to you.