Oct 11 Dear Serenity

I just received your letters. It is with a heavy heart that I must write this because I do not wish to cause you pain but I'm afraid you have misjudged my actions. I want more than anything to write and tell you that my leaving London was an honorable act to spare you of the discomfort of my presence. Unfortunately, my honor does not rise to the occasion in this matter.  I left to spare my own self of the discomfort of your presence.  You see I allowed myself to believe I was a man of respectability that was worthy of your hand.  As long as you held me in your eyes, I believed I could be anything you wanted me to be.  You were the treasure at the end of my rainbow and I was willing to bask in your colors muting out the despicable colors of my true being. My dear, everyone was right.  We are two different spirits that have been floating together in perdition oblivious to our conflicting destinations.  I have long coveted your purity that shines like the white glistening feathers in an angels wings, while I have tried to hide my own that are black and soiled.  If there is anything commendable that has resulted in your rejection of me, it is that you have finally pulled the veil from my eyes revealing the truth that can no longer be denied.  Although my intentions were never to be anything but completely honest and forthright, my shame overpowered my conscience and led me to portray myself as a man to you that I am most certainly not.  I fooled us both my love because even I wanted to believe I was that man.  Perhaps deep down into depths of my being there is a bit of goodness that exists that only someone as beautiful and pure as yourself can pull out.  But the moment you are gone, that little light fades quickly away. As despicable of a being as I am, I will not allow myself to soil your goodness.  You must forget about me and find a man that can not only equate to your goodness but will honor you as you deserve every day of your life.  I wish that all of your dreams come true and that your heart never know the sadness that I have brought onto you again.

Matthew