Dearest Matthew,
Why do you torment me so? I have set my mind to moving on, and yet, there you are, every moment I turn around, I see you. You will not dare to raise your eyes to look upon me, but do you think I am a fool? Do you think I cannot feel your eyes boring into my back the moment I turn from you? I feel them, like talons, ripping at my heart, preventing me from thinking and feeling anything else. I feel like a frightened mouse running from a starving cat, and yet, I cannot find an escape, no matter how many corners I turn or how many walls I struggle over. I have tried to change my every habit and schedule, purposely to avoid you and prevent this agony I feel the moment I lay my eyes upon you. My young, ignorant heart wants me to believe it is because you love me still. But if you truly loved me, you would not have cast me away and continue to torment me as such.
Are you some demon sent to torment me for my sins? What have I done that was so vile as to deserve this? I see women fall in and out of love on a daily basis, proclaiming they could never love another, and yet all it takes is a pretty face, or even a simple smile from a man, and their heart chases after their new prey, forgetting the previous ever existed. Why cannot I be so flighty with a heart so easily repaired? I could be surrounded by men, but see none, for the vision of you is so permanently etched in my mind there simply is no erasing it. Instead of seeing potential, I see how they pale in your comparison. Yet you treat me so cruelly. I am but a stranger to you now that does not even warrant a gentle smile of recognition.
Many months have passed since we have last spoken and I can only take that to mean that you no longer care to know what is taking place in my life. Of all the many things I desperately miss about you, that is perhaps the most painful. You were not only my love, but you were my most trusted confidant. I have no one I can trust and speak openly with. My life is full of disclosures and putting on airs to please my father. No one I speak to cares to know my heart or my desires. I cannot trust them if they did care so much, for they are doing the same as I. They only care about pleasing my father. I am nothing more than my father's pet that must be tolerated and appeased in order to receive my father's ear. I am sure the moment they walk out the door they brush me off like annoying pet fur clinging to their clothes.
I do not know why I am even bothering to write this. Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire that you will come and rescue me from this prison of adulthood and duties that I must now endure for the rest of my life. It is not my desire to return to childhood, I simply do not want to endure the life of suppression and incessant appeasement that I now have found myself in. I long for companionship in which is built upon from truth and real love. Perhaps it is all a fantasy. I once thought that of our relationship, and apparently I was imagining that as well.
Be that as it may, I felt that you should know that my father is now actively seeking the man who he feels worthy to be my husband. I am certain I will have no say in the matter because the man must first be adequately suitable to take the position in my father's company he is now preparing for. All those years of rearing me up to understand the way of the company are no longer valid. Apparently, we have overcome one of my father's fears and have survived long enough for a worthy man to take my father's place when he chooses to step aside. It is now my duty to learn how to be a proper woman. I am to learn all the things I should have been taught by my mother, the things my father admittedly says he is ignorant of. But I am not so much a fool as to know it is his way of pushing me away from his meetings and the plans he is formulating for my future.
Well my dear, my tormentor, I cannot say if knowing you was a blessing or curse upon my life. There are moments when I wish I could truly forget ever knowing you, and perhaps I wouldn't lament over a life I was never meant to partake of. I wouldn't see my life now as nothing more than a pallid shadow of what I had hoped and dreamed of having with you. I know many young ladies dream of living a life full of wealth and comfort, but what they do not realize, is that for everything you are given in life, a sacrifice is required. The more you have on the outside, the less there is inside. Perhaps my heart will eventually run cold and lifeless as is required of me. There are days when I think it has happened, then one sight of you sets my heart aflame. My love and my torment, my longing and my forbade. Please say it isn't the same for you and this will eventually fade away. Please say that your heart no longer reaches for me so that I can have a new hope to strive towards.
Serenity
Are you some demon sent to torment me for my sins? What have I done that was so vile as to deserve this? I see women fall in and out of love on a daily basis, proclaiming they could never love another, and yet all it takes is a pretty face, or even a simple smile from a man, and their heart chases after their new prey, forgetting the previous ever existed. Why cannot I be so flighty with a heart so easily repaired? I could be surrounded by men, but see none, for the vision of you is so permanently etched in my mind there simply is no erasing it. Instead of seeing potential, I see how they pale in your comparison. Yet you treat me so cruelly. I am but a stranger to you now that does not even warrant a gentle smile of recognition.
Many months have passed since we have last spoken and I can only take that to mean that you no longer care to know what is taking place in my life. Of all the many things I desperately miss about you, that is perhaps the most painful. You were not only my love, but you were my most trusted confidant. I have no one I can trust and speak openly with. My life is full of disclosures and putting on airs to please my father. No one I speak to cares to know my heart or my desires. I cannot trust them if they did care so much, for they are doing the same as I. They only care about pleasing my father. I am nothing more than my father's pet that must be tolerated and appeased in order to receive my father's ear. I am sure the moment they walk out the door they brush me off like annoying pet fur clinging to their clothes.
I do not know why I am even bothering to write this. Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire that you will come and rescue me from this prison of adulthood and duties that I must now endure for the rest of my life. It is not my desire to return to childhood, I simply do not want to endure the life of suppression and incessant appeasement that I now have found myself in. I long for companionship in which is built upon from truth and real love. Perhaps it is all a fantasy. I once thought that of our relationship, and apparently I was imagining that as well.
Be that as it may, I felt that you should know that my father is now actively seeking the man who he feels worthy to be my husband. I am certain I will have no say in the matter because the man must first be adequately suitable to take the position in my father's company he is now preparing for. All those years of rearing me up to understand the way of the company are no longer valid. Apparently, we have overcome one of my father's fears and have survived long enough for a worthy man to take my father's place when he chooses to step aside. It is now my duty to learn how to be a proper woman. I am to learn all the things I should have been taught by my mother, the things my father admittedly says he is ignorant of. But I am not so much a fool as to know it is his way of pushing me away from his meetings and the plans he is formulating for my future.
Well my dear, my tormentor, I cannot say if knowing you was a blessing or curse upon my life. There are moments when I wish I could truly forget ever knowing you, and perhaps I wouldn't lament over a life I was never meant to partake of. I wouldn't see my life now as nothing more than a pallid shadow of what I had hoped and dreamed of having with you. I know many young ladies dream of living a life full of wealth and comfort, but what they do not realize, is that for everything you are given in life, a sacrifice is required. The more you have on the outside, the less there is inside. Perhaps my heart will eventually run cold and lifeless as is required of me. There are days when I think it has happened, then one sight of you sets my heart aflame. My love and my torment, my longing and my forbade. Please say it isn't the same for you and this will eventually fade away. Please say that your heart no longer reaches for me so that I can have a new hope to strive towards.
Serenity
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